4 ways to improve your relationships

Whether it's at work, at home, with friends or family, we can all admit there are aspects of our relationships we'd like to improve. These 4 ways to improve your relationships, backed by real science, show that change like this takes work, just like anything else in life we set out to improve. But the rewards that come from working on our relationships can be some of the most profound we'll ever make.

How to Improve Your Relationships

Improving our relationships means bettering our career prospects, improving life satisfaction and widening our support network. So to get an expert view on how to go about improving your relationships, we spoke to one of our relationship speakers, the brilliant Anna Machin, speaker and anthropologist. She is a relationships expert who has been studying the science behind human interactions for over 20 years. In this article, we share her wisdom with you, focusing on some common relationship issues and how to fix them.

Be someone people want to be around

Anna notes how this all comes down to attractiveness, and no, that doesn't mean how good your new hairdo looks. We're talking about your levels of emotional intelligence, openness, and how good you are at listening and mirroring the people around you. A lot of this comes down to genetics and upbringing, where we often play out the sort of behaviours we've seen during our early years. But even if you don't have this upper hand, there are a few things you can focus on.

• Be yourself: easier said than done, we know, but putting up a front is not only tough to keep up, it also prevents anyone from getting truly close to you.
• Be a listening ear: one that doesn't impart judgement.
• Be open: this doesn't necessarily mean telling all to everyone you meet, but being authentically open to a new relationship, a variety of topics and different opinions.

Build or rebuild your work team's connection

Hybrid and remote working is a standard part of the working landscape today. But how do you rebuild that closeness in your team? Anna highlights that connection is built from the amount of input we get from the people around us, in terms of facial expressions, body language and conversation, with face-to-face being the gold standard for connection and the number of relationship hormones it activates in the brain. Ignoring this connection has real costs: as we've covered before, leaders who ignore empathy risk losing their best people. So what can you do to reforge your team?

• If remote, always use cameras: the more visual input the better. Set aside time where you can connect with the team in a non-work setting too.
• If returning to the office, take it slow: understand that it might take a while for people to warm up. Focus on the fun here too, giving your team the opportunity to bond.
• Key to both of these is what Anna calls 'bio-behavioural synchrony': this is when both people in an interaction experience synchronised increases in the levels of oxytocin or dopamine (the love and happiness hormones). These synchronised increases promote feelings of connection and wellbeing, so doing something fun with your team, either on camera or in person, can really help to rebuild those bonds.

Have more empathy for others around you

Empathy is just as important in the office as it is outside it, allowing us to be better leaders, friends and partners. Anna says, "empathy is about listening and stepping into the other person's shoes without taking on that level of emotion". Again, this is something that is somewhat genetically predisposed and also dependent on our upbringing, linked to both the presence of specific hormone structures and also how we've seen people empathise around us. This kind of connection isn't just nice to have, it's core to the secret to a healthier life. But how do you practise empathy?

• Understand the other person's perspective: that's not to say you have to totally 'get it', but to better understand the other person's experiences and what may lead them to that perspective.
• Actively listen: concentrate on the conversation and the key points they're trying to get across. Offer advice or a response when it's asked for, rather than when you think you should.
• Make the interaction about them: don't interrupt with stories of your own that may be related. To empathise, you have to give them space to explain the full picture.

Communicate with your partner better

Finally, we have communicating with a partner. In close relationships, two people might have completely different communication or conflict styles. You might be very open and want to collaborate when you're in conflict, whereas your partner might feel more closed up and take their time to communicate how they feel. Neither is inherently right or wrong, but here are some of Anna's tips on how to bridge that gap. For more on this, see our related piece on 5 ways to have better conversations.

• Understand your communication and conflict styles: are you to the point or more indirect? Do you like to deal with conflict straight away or take your time to find the right words? Again, these may be genetically and socially predisposed, so have some empathy toward the person you're trying to communicate with and don't make them feel bad for how they communicate.
• Meet them where they are: don't expect things to go from 0 to 100. Be patient and allow the other person (or yourself) to open up. It might be a short conversation to start with, or even sharing that they don't feel comfortable talking openly. Then build from there.
• If you're the more open one, show your partner it's safe to share: your partner may have some reservations about opening up. You have to show them, through your behaviour, that there are no negative repercussions for honesty, that it's a safe space and that you won't react negatively.

Well, there we have it: some science-backed relationship fixes. We hope you've found at least one takeaway to improve your connections with other people in your life. Anna goes into much more detail on the science of relationships in her talk on PepTalk OnDemand.

💡 If you'd like Anna Machin to share her knowledge with your team, or even deliver a keynote to your whole business, get in touch. Looking for something else? We'll find the perfect PepTalk expert for your organisation. Email us at hello@getapeptalk.com or send us a message via the chat. You can also call us on +44 20 3835 2929 (UK) or +1 737 888 5112 (US). Remember, it's always a good time to get a PepTalk!